No More Swans

Swans mate for life.

I know that swans mate for life, because I worked in a department store, a rather fancy department store to be precise. And in this fancy store, I sold fancy glass and crystal items shaped into swans, usually two swans snuggling their heads together and making a heart with their necks.

We would show these swans off around Valentine’s Day, describe the beauty and clarity of the item, and then add nature’s romantic kicker, “Because, as you know, swans mate for life.”

This is a fact I have heard ascribed to many members of the animal kingdom. 

“We have these dragonflies painted on the wall, because they mate for life.” “I have a tattoo of dolphins, because, ya know, they mate for …” “We have wooden mallard ducks on the top of our wedding cake because….”

I understand the soft spot for this sentiment. With the rise of divorce rates, it feels like marriages fall apart everywhere from Hollywood to the couple next door. The idea that “mating for life” is deeply entrenched in the animal kingdom is comforting. It makes us feel like if even the simplest of creatures can manage monogamy, then maybe we can too.

But I see a lot of problems with this idea. 

First, I don’t really think the entire animal kingdom mates for life. I mean, female praying mantises “mate for life,” but we all know how that goes.

And second, I don’t think we should be so impressed with this feat.

How long do dragonflies live? Mating for life isn’t anything to be held up as an example if your lifespan is 48 hours. “Wow, they’ve really seen it all. They stood by each other all night, and one day, and then a little more of one more night.” I bet fruit flies mate for life too. 

What did these animals really work through?

Did the ducks get in a fight over what to watch on Netflix? Do dragonflies worry about paying their mortgage?

I don’t think swans concern themselves with being near the side of the lake with the good schools. They don’t do dishes, mow lawns, or climb mountains of laundry. There aren’t a bunch of dolphins coming home defeated because they’re underappreciated at the coral reef.

And most of these animals don’t have to share a bed. They don’t have to weather snoring snouts, restless flippers, and someone hogging all the seaweed covers.

Let’s just say the animal kingdom is not where we should look for a beacon of faithfulness.

If I had to make crystal figurines that represent lasting love, I would make them of couples I know. Let me tell you about them.

The first couple would be two crystal faceted figures, seated by a table, and their standard position would be heckling each other over a cribbage board. 

Now, these figurines are unique in that they can be re-positioned. For example you could place them huddled at the other end of the table discussing the husband’s forced resignation. You could lay the wife on a hospital bed with the other in the chair beside her, as he has been faithful, patient, and caring through her illnesses. You can also arrange these two seated in a hospital waiting room as they waited for their grandkids to be born or their children to have procedures or for updates on their one daughter and granddaughter who tried to slip away in childbirth.

Finally, there is the 40th Anniversary Edition that has these figurines surrounded by kids and grandkids.

If you enjoy these first standard figurines and the 40th Anniversary Collector’s Set, then please consider these other sets to add to your valued collection. 

The for Better or for Worst Set

These pieces come with display instructions. They are to be placed on opposite sides of the room to signify the year they lived on other sides of the ocean separated by INS issues.

The Richer or Poorer Set

This next set comes with an adorable newborn baby. They are displayed outside the house they just sold because the husband was laid off a month after the baby was born. (Two separate sibling figurines come later with a new house)

The in Sickness and in Health Set

This set comes with the accessories of backpacks because these figurines are prepared for hospital stays. Hospital stays for their daughter, or for the husband, or for the wife when she tried to slip away during childbirth.

All these figurines will be smiling, because although I highlight their struggles, they have lived through thousands of happy, wonderful scenarios as well. 

These are testaments to “Mating for life.” It is these couples and the countless others that are riding out the for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, richer or poorer of marriage, longer than a life span of some simple mammal.

And finally, the crown of my collection, the Till Death Do Us Part set.

This set has been displayed together for 64 years, side by side, through every possible scenario I have mentioned and more. Until the day the husband figurine went away to wait for the wife somewhere else.

If you need to look for a representation of monogamy, look at these examples, or any of the other marriages that are doing the hard work of bringing two lives together. They are committing to each other at their worst as well as their best.

This is what I would carve into crystal. These are the figurines I would sell. 

Take that, swans. Stupid swans.